Weirdness

Weird thing, being alone.  It's a blessing and a curse.  It's a split personality.  It's yin & yang.  Or something like that.

I spent the first 41 years of my life, almost entirely without exception, living with others.  As few as one, as many as four (and that's if you don't count my four legged house-mates).  Building bonds, feeling love, making mistakes.  The lion's share of my life shared minute by minute with those I love or have loved around me.

Now that I am in my seventh year living alone, although I have been sharing a large part of my life until recently with someone else, I am now at night in the quiet of my home alone again.  My children are grown and happy and independent and successful, each in their own perfect way.  A great gift, this I know.  But I am here surrounded now instead by my choices and mandates that have given me the great joys and consuming lows which made my life.

Weird thing is, right now I can't imagine a day when I would share this physical space with someone else.  Maybe it's that I'm too self-indulgent in my routines.  Maybe it's that I'm a decorating dictator.  Maybe it's that I'm just not ready.  Plain and simple.

Whatever the equation is that created that solution, I find it weird.  To be sometimes lonely yet simultaneously reluctant to accepting the resolution.   Weird.

But that's life I guess. 

Easier?

Easier... Are you coming any time soon?

So today was one week post Last Supper.  After a week of supportive text from my girlfriends, checking my email, voicemail and texts a thousand times in case he wrote (which he didn't... quit checking already) and shedding another bucket of tears, it was time to execute some closure.

Pack his stuff.  He left clothes and "sundries" at my place so tonight I packed it all up.  From the closet.  From the dresser.  From the bathroom cabinet.  It's all cleared out. 

I don't know what is harder to look at; his stuff sitting there untouched or the space it leaves when you take it away.

My mind says, jump into something new...  An activity, a hobby, another. 

Nothing seems interesting.  Tomorrow will be easier than today.

And so it goes.