And before you know it...

Funny thing, moving on. 

You don't think you're doing it, that it will never come (because as we all know hours seems like weeks and nights seem like eternity) but move on you do.

And before you know it your days are filled, the smile returns,

I was with my sister this weekend and we were talking about where we find ourselves in life, having taken very different paths. Regardless of your path or journey, life has the habit (fortunate or unfortunate depending on your outlook I suppose) of moving along with or without your acknowledgement, presence, participation or agreement.

So, moving on I am.  Along the journey life has for me, choosing my path where I can, rightly or wrongly.  Move on... With life.

We to me

As life continues in my newly-dictated singledom, there are bits and pieces of me that require adjustment.

The biggest one I find is the "we" to "me."  Ordinary things, simple questions, habits turn away from Us and are left with just Me.  Not that Me can't handle it, she can handle it just fine.  It's just it's an adjustment of thinking, processing, remembering, talking.

I think even my closest friends will weary of "D and I used to do this" or "D and I used to go there" and I know even if they don't weary of it, my heart does.  I look around my home and everywhere reminds me in some way of him.  And when I think of the years we were together, he is imprinted on each of those memories in some way. 

So I am actively working at making memories that don't have his heart print on them; writing a new story that doesn't include "D".  The story may be essentially the same, but it will be mine alone. 

Grilled cheese

It feels like I've become less of myself than I used to be.  I think it's important in a relationship to jump in with both feet if this is what you want in the long run, if you're willing to go the distance with that person, if you can see yourself with him or her when you're both old and wrinkled and less charming than you are now.  But if jumping in with both feet means losing what makes you you, it's not a good thing.  Life's lessons keep coming.

So I am surrounding myself with what I feel makes me, me.  I am soaking up the love of my sons and girlfriends; I am rediscovering the hobbies I've loved but let go of over time using the excuse I've been too busy to enjoy them.

And I'm going to cook.  I know I've said that I wasn't going to do this because cooking leads to eating and eating leads to getting... well... you know.  But I have a grand plan.

Grilled cheese and friends.

I have few happy memories of when I was growing up but most of them involve food.   Sunday roast beef dinners.   My mother's recipe for macaroni & cheese and the simple grilled cheese sandwich.  Although her macaroni and cheese recipe was not unusual in any way, it was amazingly good and I swear by it to this day.  I am so dedicated to the simple purity of it that the idea of modifying it in any way just doesn't feel right to me so I am left with grilled cheese sandwiches.

My mother's grilled cheese was the most simple kind... Kraft singles, bread, butter.  Ketchup on the side.  That's it.

But the options now for grilled cheese are endless.  I searched on a Canadian cheese producers' website "grilled cheese" and no fewer than 980 recipes came up.  Nine hundred and eighty!!

That's a lot of options and on just one site.  So I am going to start having Grilled Cheese Sundays.  I'll start next week (because it's already almost dinner time here and although I think it's perfectly acceptable to have grilled cheese for dinner, I'm not prepared) with a couple of recipes for comparison. 

I don't think this is going to become more than a weekly or every-other-weekly habit that fills the tummy while it warms the heart but if that's all it is... That's enough.

Plan B

Things I've considered doing to take my mind off him (in no particular order) and what my thoughts are of each one when given more than a couple of seconds of consideration.

1.   Get a dog.  Of course, considering I work 12 hours a day (including commute time) this would qualify as animal cruelty so immediately, this one won't work.

2.   Get another job.  Again, already working 12 hours a day, what's left?  Saturday and Sunday?  When am I going to drink?

3.   Drink more.  Based on #2, this one is looking like a good bet.

4.   See other guys.  At this point, this one just seems dirty.

5.   Redecorate.  But I like my place... And I just finished redoing the whole joint.

6.   Redecorate my friends' places.  This just seems intrusive.

7.   Experiment in the kitchen.  Although this sounds great at first pass, this is where I see that going...  Cook more.  Eat more.  Get fat.  Feel bad about myself and become a recluse.  Never find another man to love.  Cook more.  Eat more.  Get fatter.  Feel worse about myself and become more of a recluse.  Never find another man to love.... You see where I'm going.

8.   Volunteer.  I actually like this one.

9.   Hang out with my friends more.  I like this one too although I am beginning to think of myself as a single-girl-friend; a girlfriend that spends lots of time with her girlfriends but only when she's not with a guy.  Note to self.....  Don't do that again!

10.   Play guitar more.  This makes me think of him and this makes me sad.

So, it looks like I'm going to be volunteering and hanging with my girlfriends more... And drinking.  The first two have no downsides at all and actually put a smile on my face thinking of them so what could be wrong with that?  The other one does too but I shouldn't say that out loud.

Thanks for listening.

Easier?

Easier... Are you coming any time soon?

So today was one week post Last Supper.  After a week of supportive text from my girlfriends, checking my email, voicemail and texts a thousand times in case he wrote (which he didn't... quit checking already) and shedding another bucket of tears, it was time to execute some closure.

Pack his stuff.  He left clothes and "sundries" at my place so tonight I packed it all up.  From the closet.  From the dresser.  From the bathroom cabinet.  It's all cleared out. 

I don't know what is harder to look at; his stuff sitting there untouched or the space it leaves when you take it away.

My mind says, jump into something new...  An activity, a hobby, another. 

Nothing seems interesting.  Tomorrow will be easier than today.

And so it goes.