Closing the door

As with any end to a relationship there are always loose ends to tie up... So today we tied them up and cut them off.

We had, a couple of months before the end, taken a beautiful trip to Italy and we took lots of beautiful pictures.... All of these pictures were loaded to his computer... Which of course lives at his place.  It has been over a month now since the end and I had yet to get the photographs.  The longer I waited, the more anxious I became.

Was the computer broken?  Were the photographs lost?  Was he just not getting them to me to be difficult?  None of these sounded like an agreeable option.

So, I waited.  Waited for a message or a package or a sign of some sort that the photographs were somehow going to make their way to me.  And of course nothing happened. 

When I was with my girlfriends (who as I have already mentioned, are very wise), they advised me to take action.

"This is too important to you, what are you waiting for?"

"The longer you wait, the harder it will be."

"Take the lead and send him a message.  Suggest a meeting and get the photos!"

"Put on your big girl panties and just do it."

Wise.

So I did all of the above.  I sent the message (with my girlfriends by my side giving me courage).  I set the date and place.  I went.

Of course, first I prepared myself... I steeled myself against any potential confrontation.  I was ready to show him what he was missing.  I was ready for anything.

As it turned out, none of it was necessary.  It was relaxed.  Friendly.  Calm.  Kind.  He complimented me.  And then it was done. 

"We should keep in touch," he said.

And like I have said to so many other people exiting my life, "yes, of course we will."

Next. 

Full

How can it be that when my heart is so full, I have nothing to write?  On a day that is filled with laughter and love and abundance in every way, words escape me.

My Christmas today was filled from beginning to end with my family.... Filled with their conversation and energy and the sounds of their banter that has become the music of my life which makes me the happiest. 

I think that when you feel so filled up with love and give it out, the need for words disappears.

So I will smile.  And be quiet in my joy.

Third time's the charm

As things tend to go during Holiday Season Madness, Grilled Cheese Sunday this week was the victim of packed schedules and last minute changes, but happen it did!  And as most variations from the best laid plans go, it was a resounding success!!  Sometimes it's the things you don't plan for that are the best surprises!

My dear friend came by (that was planned but only after a reschedule per the Holiday Season Madness to which I previously referred) and the ingredients were her inspiration... And inspiration they were!

We made the trek to my local artisan bakery and found a loaf that sounded like it would pair well with the combination she had brought... What was that, you ask?  Get this...

Mango & ginger Stilton and spicy cranberry jelly.  The bread of choice?  Fig walnut loaf. 

A cacophony of flavours?  Too much (then again, when have I ever said "too much" to anything?)?  Certainly not normally planned!  But a delight in every way!! It was yummy and creamy and spicy and something I will be treating guests to many times over in the future!

And the lesson learned from this Grilled Cheese Sunday?  It may sound weird at first pass, and it may be unexpected but those are often the best treats.

Turning the corner

There is a calm in being alone.  I know, it may seem illogical that I would be saying that but there is.  The trick is in finding it, that place of calmness.

Like so much in life, I think the key to happiness is where you place your attention.  Choosing where you focus is not as easy as it sounds as it turns out.  It can be so easy to be distracted then consumed then obsessed by the negative, but what does that get you?  

I've known lots of people who are "glass half empty" folks, we all have.  They are the ones who are "just ok" on perfect spring days.  They are the ones who walk past, in a state of total self-consumed oblivion, the amazing musician that blesses a subway with their gift.  They are the ones who brood, day after day, week after week, year after year, about those that "done them wrong."

So as I continue to spend time alone, I am focusing on the gift of solitude. Instead of focusing one more minute on anyone from my past who chose me second, who placed me low on this list of priorities we all have, I am focusing on those who love me.  On those who choose me and value me as much as I choose and value them.  I choose to be thankful and aware of the good in my life and take this time to appreciate it.  And the gift that comes with that is the warmth that surrounds me.

It feels like a corner has been turned.

Weirdness

Weird thing, being alone.  It's a blessing and a curse.  It's a split personality.  It's yin & yang.  Or something like that.

I spent the first 41 years of my life, almost entirely without exception, living with others.  As few as one, as many as four (and that's if you don't count my four legged house-mates).  Building bonds, feeling love, making mistakes.  The lion's share of my life shared minute by minute with those I love or have loved around me.

Now that I am in my seventh year living alone, although I have been sharing a large part of my life until recently with someone else, I am now at night in the quiet of my home alone again.  My children are grown and happy and independent and successful, each in their own perfect way.  A great gift, this I know.  But I am here surrounded now instead by my choices and mandates that have given me the great joys and consuming lows which made my life.

Weird thing is, right now I can't imagine a day when I would share this physical space with someone else.  Maybe it's that I'm too self-indulgent in my routines.  Maybe it's that I'm a decorating dictator.  Maybe it's that I'm just not ready.  Plain and simple.

Whatever the equation is that created that solution, I find it weird.  To be sometimes lonely yet simultaneously reluctant to accepting the resolution.   Weird.

But that's life I guess. 

Second Round

This is a test. This is only a test. 

Spurred on by my youngest son who I can best describe as an interesting balance between artist and antagonist, I am making Grilled Cheese with Bacon.  Seems normal.  But this Grilled Cheese sandwich has bacon instead of bread. 

My instincts say, "That's just not right." 

My arteries say, "What are you trying to do to us???" 

But my sense of adventure and refusal to not take a culinary double dog dare, make me do it despite all consideration of logic and health.

It went as expected... Messy.  Intensely indulgant.  Overwhelmingly rich.  But really really good!  I could only have a few bites of mine and my dear friend who joined (as she did at the inaugural Grilled Cheese Sunday) couldn't eat much more of hers... But it was good!

I don't think this recipe will be a frequent option on Grilled Cheese Sunday but I could be convinced to make it again if my son were to visit... And I could be convinced to have a bite.

All things in moderation.  Both the good and the bad.

The options

Options are a funny thing...  They're always there, whether we acknowledge them or not.  It's probably just our own state of readiness that determines how tightly our blinders are affixed to our visions of our world.

As time marches on and friends become more aware of my new (new to them, at least) single status, the suggestions are starting to come with increasing regularity.

"I have a friend, just let me know when you're ready."

"When you're ready, you should set up an on-line profile." 

Always, with the notation "when you're ready."  How the heck should I know when that is?  Is there a "ready" alarm clock?  Not that I've found, that's for sure!  All I know is that I want love.  Don't we all?   Then again, maybe not (recent experience should teach me that).  I guess that's ok if that's what you don't want.

But if we do want it, don't we all deserve someone who would move heaven and earth to be with us?  Even for short time?  Don't we all deserve that at least once in our lives?

I think so. 

So for now, I'm choosing the option of carrying on and enjoying all that is available to me now (which is so much) and when the option opens up to someone else... There I will be. 

And before you know it...

Funny thing, moving on. 

You don't think you're doing it, that it will never come (because as we all know hours seems like weeks and nights seem like eternity) but move on you do.

And before you know it your days are filled, the smile returns,

I was with my sister this weekend and we were talking about where we find ourselves in life, having taken very different paths. Regardless of your path or journey, life has the habit (fortunate or unfortunate depending on your outlook I suppose) of moving along with or without your acknowledgement, presence, participation or agreement.

So, moving on I am.  Along the journey life has for me, choosing my path where I can, rightly or wrongly.  Move on... With life.

Inauguration

Today was the first "Sally's Grilled Cheese Sunday" but hopefully not the last.  I chose grilled cheese sandwiches as my heartbreak recovery indulgence of choice and today they did not let me down.  Of course, it wasn't the grilled cheese that made the day special...

It was planning something new and fun and reminding myself that there is much love and fun to be had, often in the most mundate, every-day activities.  It was sharing the experience with one of my girlfriends (who is by every definition except biology, a sister to me).  It was silliness of the preparation and sharing that with friends.

It was great in every way.  And on top of all that goodness, the sandwiches were yummy.

If you're interested, we made two kinds; two-cheese (with Muenster and cream cheese with diced red peppers) and grilled cheese with salami (with mozzarella and old cheddar and some tomato sauce).  Extra cheesy goodness... Our agreed-upon favourite was the two-cheese grilled cheese so that one will appear at the next Grilled Cheese Sunday for the next cheese-off.

Stay tuned.  There is more goodness to come; that is clear.

We to me

As life continues in my newly-dictated singledom, there are bits and pieces of me that require adjustment.

The biggest one I find is the "we" to "me."  Ordinary things, simple questions, habits turn away from Us and are left with just Me.  Not that Me can't handle it, she can handle it just fine.  It's just it's an adjustment of thinking, processing, remembering, talking.

I think even my closest friends will weary of "D and I used to do this" or "D and I used to go there" and I know even if they don't weary of it, my heart does.  I look around my home and everywhere reminds me in some way of him.  And when I think of the years we were together, he is imprinted on each of those memories in some way. 

So I am actively working at making memories that don't have his heart print on them; writing a new story that doesn't include "D".  The story may be essentially the same, but it will be mine alone.