Friday night plans

A long drive after a long week; my normal one hour commute from downtown to home today was four hours...  Four HOURS!!   One of the annual Canadian traditions is the havoc that comes from the first accumulating snow fall.  It's like the driving IT gods wipe our hard drive memory every year so when that inevitable, predictable snow fall comes we are reduced to one of two options.  Crawl or stop.

Happily I finally arrived home.  It's late (by my standards) and my home is quiet.  I turn on the music, pour myself a glass of wine and decide to make some plans. 

Life awaits.

With love

Life has ways of surprising you.

When you write like this you are writing alone.  There is the possibility of having someone with you in a virtual reality but there is no promise of that.  There is the possibility of support or criticism.  Interest or apathy.  But you never know.  I think all you can do is write what you feel, put it to the virtual universe and see what comes back to you.

Today, I received support.  Love.  Kindness. 

Several years ago I got my first (and to this point, my only) tattoo.  It's on my lower back (which I am sad to hear is now referred to as a 'tramp stamp'... I can't tell you how disappointing that is) and it's the Chinese symbol for strength.  I got that symbol in that place for this reason; we all have strength.  It's not always where you can see it but it's there.  It's got your back.  And it's there when you need it.

My beautiful gift today was that along with the strength I have come to rely upon from myself, I am also blessed to have the support of friends who I also cannot see but are as real and true as the ink on my back.  You are my strength too.

I thank each and every one of you.  And I will most certainly talk to you soon.  And often.

We have a lot in common as it turns out.

With love.

If you try sometimes...

What am I doing?  Writing a blog.  What do I want to be doing?  Kissing.  Dancing.  Laughing.  Cuddling. Singing. Sharing.  Wishing.  Planning. 

You can't always get what you want. 

Today I laughed.  And danced (just a little and alone but it was to a really good song so that's ok in my book).  And sang... In my car.  Again to a really good song so still, ok.  I can still wish.  And I am planning.  And hoping. 

And I'm sharing with you. 

You get what you need. 

I don't like Mondays

Doesn't it just tick you off when you are skipping along happily and WHAM!! You are sucker punched by the heartbreak you thought you were climbing out of.

Today was one of those days.  I keep thinking this is part of the process... Grief and all.... Seven stages... 

It's just a moment, this time will pass. 

Grilled cheese

It feels like I've become less of myself than I used to be.  I think it's important in a relationship to jump in with both feet if this is what you want in the long run, if you're willing to go the distance with that person, if you can see yourself with him or her when you're both old and wrinkled and less charming than you are now.  But if jumping in with both feet means losing what makes you you, it's not a good thing.  Life's lessons keep coming.

So I am surrounding myself with what I feel makes me, me.  I am soaking up the love of my sons and girlfriends; I am rediscovering the hobbies I've loved but let go of over time using the excuse I've been too busy to enjoy them.

And I'm going to cook.  I know I've said that I wasn't going to do this because cooking leads to eating and eating leads to getting... well... you know.  But I have a grand plan.

Grilled cheese and friends.

I have few happy memories of when I was growing up but most of them involve food.   Sunday roast beef dinners.   My mother's recipe for macaroni & cheese and the simple grilled cheese sandwich.  Although her macaroni and cheese recipe was not unusual in any way, it was amazingly good and I swear by it to this day.  I am so dedicated to the simple purity of it that the idea of modifying it in any way just doesn't feel right to me so I am left with grilled cheese sandwiches.

My mother's grilled cheese was the most simple kind... Kraft singles, bread, butter.  Ketchup on the side.  That's it.

But the options now for grilled cheese are endless.  I searched on a Canadian cheese producers' website "grilled cheese" and no fewer than 980 recipes came up.  Nine hundred and eighty!!

That's a lot of options and on just one site.  So I am going to start having Grilled Cheese Sundays.  I'll start next week (because it's already almost dinner time here and although I think it's perfectly acceptable to have grilled cheese for dinner, I'm not prepared) with a couple of recipes for comparison. 

I don't think this is going to become more than a weekly or every-other-weekly habit that fills the tummy while it warms the heart but if that's all it is... That's enough.

Plan B

Things I've considered doing to take my mind off him (in no particular order) and what my thoughts are of each one when given more than a couple of seconds of consideration.

1.   Get a dog.  Of course, considering I work 12 hours a day (including commute time) this would qualify as animal cruelty so immediately, this one won't work.

2.   Get another job.  Again, already working 12 hours a day, what's left?  Saturday and Sunday?  When am I going to drink?

3.   Drink more.  Based on #2, this one is looking like a good bet.

4.   See other guys.  At this point, this one just seems dirty.

5.   Redecorate.  But I like my place... And I just finished redoing the whole joint.

6.   Redecorate my friends' places.  This just seems intrusive.

7.   Experiment in the kitchen.  Although this sounds great at first pass, this is where I see that going...  Cook more.  Eat more.  Get fat.  Feel bad about myself and become a recluse.  Never find another man to love.  Cook more.  Eat more.  Get fatter.  Feel worse about myself and become more of a recluse.  Never find another man to love.... You see where I'm going.

8.   Volunteer.  I actually like this one.

9.   Hang out with my friends more.  I like this one too although I am beginning to think of myself as a single-girl-friend; a girlfriend that spends lots of time with her girlfriends but only when she's not with a guy.  Note to self.....  Don't do that again!

10.   Play guitar more.  This makes me think of him and this makes me sad.

So, it looks like I'm going to be volunteering and hanging with my girlfriends more... And drinking.  The first two have no downsides at all and actually put a smile on my face thinking of them so what could be wrong with that?  The other one does too but I shouldn't say that out loud.

Thanks for listening.

Easier?

Easier... Are you coming any time soon?

So today was one week post Last Supper.  After a week of supportive text from my girlfriends, checking my email, voicemail and texts a thousand times in case he wrote (which he didn't... quit checking already) and shedding another bucket of tears, it was time to execute some closure.

Pack his stuff.  He left clothes and "sundries" at my place so tonight I packed it all up.  From the closet.  From the dresser.  From the bathroom cabinet.  It's all cleared out. 

I don't know what is harder to look at; his stuff sitting there untouched or the space it leaves when you take it away.

My mind says, jump into something new...  An activity, a hobby, another. 

Nothing seems interesting.  Tomorrow will be easier than today.

And so it goes.

The Last Supper

So tonight we got together for dinner. 

It's his birthday and I wanted to give him the gift I had bought for him months ago when I felt certain of our future and of us.

I was certain it would be hard and it was.  I was certain I would cry and I did.  Before.  During.  After.

There is nothing ugly in this end.  Only sad.  Deep sorrow. 

I wept. 

Deja vu all over again

So here I am again... As I've said before and I'm sure I'll say again; "Alone again, naturally."  I am an almost-50 year old woman in the throws of a break up.  A four year relationship at it's end.

One of my bestest girlfriends once said to me, "you only write when you're in pain."  I laughed at the time but as days, weeks and months went by I realized she was absolutely right (my girlfriends are wise, as all girlfriends are).

I am on day four of being single.  I was preoccupied on days one through three because I was travelling for work but as the solitude of a Single-Girl Saturday night and the reality of what has happened sinks in, even the most luxurious bubble bath (done), best bottle of wine (well, maybe not the best as I am not independently wealthy but pretty darn good) or most mournful tunes mix (perhaps not the best idea) can alter my new state of reality.

We broke up on Tuesday night in the most calm, controlled way.  I told him I was unhappy feeling like I was low on his priority list and he told me he's always been clear of what was important to him.  We were both right.  And so we both apologized and that was that. 

Done.

The knot in my stomach remains.  The pain is there.  So are the tears but I only let them creep in once in a while.  I'm a big girl now, you know. 

As I came home from my brief travels, I foolishly hoped for the Ephron-esque declaration of love.  The grand gesture saying he had been thinking of me as much as I was of him.  The truth is a cold shower. 

No one knows.  Not my girlfriends. Not my children (adults now).  Not his children (also adults).  No one.  I can't say it yet.  That will come. 

So in this moment, on this Saturday, I am cocooning.  I am mustering up the courage to face a whole week alone. 

It's just a moment.  This time will pass.