The Rest

There are few things as purely pleasurable as a simple, restful sleep. 

I am not, generally, a peaceful sleeper.  I lay awake at night, sometimes for hours, thinking (brooding, really) about mistakes made, tasks left undone, unsolved problems.  I have tried countless remedies to relieve this anguish.  Meditation; clear your mind, Sally... but the thoughts creep back in.  Mind games; count backwards by 3"s from 5,00 and the preoccupation of your mind will allow you to fall back asleep.  Ummm. No.  It won't.  Herbs; passion flower... Nothing.  Lavender... Smells pretty; still nothing.  Valerian... Really?  Nothing...  Tea; chamomile... nice but nothing. 

But tonight I feel sure that a full, restful night awaits me.  Why? 

Blissful exhaustion.  Exhaustion from spending a packed 24 hours with a dear friend.  Dancing, laughing. sharing, talking, shopping, eating and yes, drinking.  A day full of sharing our worries and cares; sharing what frightens us and what excites us.  We are both now single although she is newer to her single-dom than I, it provides us even more common ground that we previously had.  And we already had a lot.

Sharing the weight of our worries and fears makes them easier to carry, that is for sure.  Today, my load is light and my heart is filled with contentment.  I am reassured that whatever mistakes I have made or will make in life, whatever oversights or errors I make at work, there are people who understand and recognize the anxiety.  That even if I spend the rest of my days as a single gal, I will not be alone.

And with that peace comes the rest.

Kids and psychics and art... Oh my!

There are a multitude of activities that can occupy your time.  This weekend I've had quite the diverse mix that called up a wide range of emotions.

The weekend started in the usual way, with a late arrival home and a quiet Friday night (I find that by the time I get home and divest myself of a week's worth of stress, anxiety, late nights and early mornings, the best I can muster on a Friday night is a great glass of wine and the hope of a peaceful sleep).  Saturday morning (after the blessing of that peaceful night sleep) I got up, made my coffee, grabbed my laptop and caught up on the world.  I have to admit, part of me misses the days where I collected my newspapers and readied myself for my relaxed ritual of reading through, article by article, while I refilled my coffee as many times as was necessary.  But technology wins this race so on-line I go.  After getting sufficiently caught up, I begin to get ready for the day ahead and embark on my Saturday fun.  And that is where the "average" ends.

The highlight of the weekend was most certainly the art opening that featured the work of my youngest son.  It's an amazing thing when you can separate yourself from the moment and take a snapshot of what it means in the broader landscape of your life.  As I watched my boy move about the crowd, answer questions, accept accolades and take moments from the fray to hang with his "Ma" I knew that whatever mistakes I had made in raising him, whatever challenges had presented themselves to him, he had the wisdom, strength and compassion (which he would not admit to save his life) to overcome them all.  He had become a man and the man he became was good.

Before that I was lucky to enjoy what is becoming a more and more regular dinner at my girlfriend's home filled with laughter and love and antics involving her own quirky, comical and charming son and daughter who is becoming a wonderful, smart and accomplished young woman before our very eyes.  As we share stories and jokes I wonder who these young people will become.  What lies ahead of them?  There are so many paths open to them but the certainty for me is that I look forward to being friends with them when they are adults too.

But the most unusual piece of the weekend by far was part one... My visit to the Psychic Fair.  Now before you make your judgements and condescending remarks, know that I believe there is something in all of us, that when listened to with regard, can make positive impacts in our lives.  Call it intuition... gut feeling... whatever, there is something there and I know that whenever I have ignored that, I have been worse off.  Maybe not right away but always.  At some point.  Worse.  My oldest son's partner was hosting the event and in support of her and out of pure curiosity, off I went.  After walking around for a while, I settled on a numerologist (what could be made up with numbers, after all?) and gave her my full name.

After she did her analysis and provided me the results, this is what stood out.  I'm not good at relationships.

I didn't need a psychic to tell me that.

Of course, she said a lot more than that.  Past life stuff... Current life stuff... But the big one was, despite what may seem contradictory in my other "gifts" relationships are not my thing.

Note to self.... No more numerologists and work on that relationship thing.  In no particular order.

Saturday Night. Live.

The greatest time of a night out has to be the moments of anticipation before the festivities actually get under way.  It's when the events of the evening have yet to be revealed, when anything is possible and even the most mundane evening has a world of possibilities.

Last night I was out with friends, new and old.  They had invited me out with the lure of "wanna see a band at a bar?"  That's all I needed.  It was a great opportunity to catch up between sets and enjoy good music over a couple of pints.

It doesn't take much to get me excited these days... My life, as I have mentioned repeatedly, is quite filled with work and work (but that shows very positive signs of easing up lately, ya for that) so a diversion is welcome.  I noticed yesterday as I made my ritualistic Saturday morning coffee and reached into the fridge to the cream, that this was the first time since the last weekend that I had opened my refrigerator.  How can this be possible, you ask?  Simple.  I work and work so when I finish I usually grab a bite of something on the way home.  And I have a bar fridge where I keep beer & wine.  Easy peasy.

So, as mentioned, a diversion is most welcome.  I called a taxi and when I jumped in, the driver had an 80's music station tuned in.  Interesting choice, I thought since my initial assessment would have pegged him more of a Motley Crue or Metallica type of fellow.  Shame on me for judging.  Imagine my surprise when the majority of the ride was spent with me smiling in the back seat as he sang Gowen's Strange Animal.  Word for word.  Start to finish.  Strange animal indeed.

The evening delivered all good things that were hoped for; great conversation, lots of laughs and the bonus of (my most favourite) dancing to some great funk soul tunes.  Who could be happier?  And as I sit here writing this, drinking my ritualistic Sunday morning coffee I make a mental note... Cream is almost gone... I should go shopping this week.

That'll shake things up.

Closing the door

As with any end to a relationship there are always loose ends to tie up... So today we tied them up and cut them off.

We had, a couple of months before the end, taken a beautiful trip to Italy and we took lots of beautiful pictures.... All of these pictures were loaded to his computer... Which of course lives at his place.  It has been over a month now since the end and I had yet to get the photographs.  The longer I waited, the more anxious I became.

Was the computer broken?  Were the photographs lost?  Was he just not getting them to me to be difficult?  None of these sounded like an agreeable option.

So, I waited.  Waited for a message or a package or a sign of some sort that the photographs were somehow going to make their way to me.  And of course nothing happened. 

When I was with my girlfriends (who as I have already mentioned, are very wise), they advised me to take action.

"This is too important to you, what are you waiting for?"

"The longer you wait, the harder it will be."

"Take the lead and send him a message.  Suggest a meeting and get the photos!"

"Put on your big girl panties and just do it."

Wise.

So I did all of the above.  I sent the message (with my girlfriends by my side giving me courage).  I set the date and place.  I went.

Of course, first I prepared myself... I steeled myself against any potential confrontation.  I was ready to show him what he was missing.  I was ready for anything.

As it turned out, none of it was necessary.  It was relaxed.  Friendly.  Calm.  Kind.  He complimented me.  And then it was done. 

"We should keep in touch," he said.

And like I have said to so many other people exiting my life, "yes, of course we will."

Next. 

Third time's the charm

As things tend to go during Holiday Season Madness, Grilled Cheese Sunday this week was the victim of packed schedules and last minute changes, but happen it did!  And as most variations from the best laid plans go, it was a resounding success!!  Sometimes it's the things you don't plan for that are the best surprises!

My dear friend came by (that was planned but only after a reschedule per the Holiday Season Madness to which I previously referred) and the ingredients were her inspiration... And inspiration they were!

We made the trek to my local artisan bakery and found a loaf that sounded like it would pair well with the combination she had brought... What was that, you ask?  Get this...

Mango & ginger Stilton and spicy cranberry jelly.  The bread of choice?  Fig walnut loaf. 

A cacophony of flavours?  Too much (then again, when have I ever said "too much" to anything?)?  Certainly not normally planned!  But a delight in every way!! It was yummy and creamy and spicy and something I will be treating guests to many times over in the future!

And the lesson learned from this Grilled Cheese Sunday?  It may sound weird at first pass, and it may be unexpected but those are often the best treats.

Inauguration

Today was the first "Sally's Grilled Cheese Sunday" but hopefully not the last.  I chose grilled cheese sandwiches as my heartbreak recovery indulgence of choice and today they did not let me down.  Of course, it wasn't the grilled cheese that made the day special...

It was planning something new and fun and reminding myself that there is much love and fun to be had, often in the most mundate, every-day activities.  It was sharing the experience with one of my girlfriends (who is by every definition except biology, a sister to me).  It was silliness of the preparation and sharing that with friends.

It was great in every way.  And on top of all that goodness, the sandwiches were yummy.

If you're interested, we made two kinds; two-cheese (with Muenster and cream cheese with diced red peppers) and grilled cheese with salami (with mozzarella and old cheddar and some tomato sauce).  Extra cheesy goodness... Our agreed-upon favourite was the two-cheese grilled cheese so that one will appear at the next Grilled Cheese Sunday for the next cheese-off.

Stay tuned.  There is more goodness to come; that is clear.

With love

Life has ways of surprising you.

When you write like this you are writing alone.  There is the possibility of having someone with you in a virtual reality but there is no promise of that.  There is the possibility of support or criticism.  Interest or apathy.  But you never know.  I think all you can do is write what you feel, put it to the virtual universe and see what comes back to you.

Today, I received support.  Love.  Kindness. 

Several years ago I got my first (and to this point, my only) tattoo.  It's on my lower back (which I am sad to hear is now referred to as a 'tramp stamp'... I can't tell you how disappointing that is) and it's the Chinese symbol for strength.  I got that symbol in that place for this reason; we all have strength.  It's not always where you can see it but it's there.  It's got your back.  And it's there when you need it.

My beautiful gift today was that along with the strength I have come to rely upon from myself, I am also blessed to have the support of friends who I also cannot see but are as real and true as the ink on my back.  You are my strength too.

I thank each and every one of you.  And I will most certainly talk to you soon.  And often.

We have a lot in common as it turns out.

With love.

Grilled cheese

It feels like I've become less of myself than I used to be.  I think it's important in a relationship to jump in with both feet if this is what you want in the long run, if you're willing to go the distance with that person, if you can see yourself with him or her when you're both old and wrinkled and less charming than you are now.  But if jumping in with both feet means losing what makes you you, it's not a good thing.  Life's lessons keep coming.

So I am surrounding myself with what I feel makes me, me.  I am soaking up the love of my sons and girlfriends; I am rediscovering the hobbies I've loved but let go of over time using the excuse I've been too busy to enjoy them.

And I'm going to cook.  I know I've said that I wasn't going to do this because cooking leads to eating and eating leads to getting... well... you know.  But I have a grand plan.

Grilled cheese and friends.

I have few happy memories of when I was growing up but most of them involve food.   Sunday roast beef dinners.   My mother's recipe for macaroni & cheese and the simple grilled cheese sandwich.  Although her macaroni and cheese recipe was not unusual in any way, it was amazingly good and I swear by it to this day.  I am so dedicated to the simple purity of it that the idea of modifying it in any way just doesn't feel right to me so I am left with grilled cheese sandwiches.

My mother's grilled cheese was the most simple kind... Kraft singles, bread, butter.  Ketchup on the side.  That's it.

But the options now for grilled cheese are endless.  I searched on a Canadian cheese producers' website "grilled cheese" and no fewer than 980 recipes came up.  Nine hundred and eighty!!

That's a lot of options and on just one site.  So I am going to start having Grilled Cheese Sundays.  I'll start next week (because it's already almost dinner time here and although I think it's perfectly acceptable to have grilled cheese for dinner, I'm not prepared) with a couple of recipes for comparison. 

I don't think this is going to become more than a weekly or every-other-weekly habit that fills the tummy while it warms the heart but if that's all it is... That's enough.