Closing the door

As with any end to a relationship there are always loose ends to tie up... So today we tied them up and cut them off.

We had, a couple of months before the end, taken a beautiful trip to Italy and we took lots of beautiful pictures.... All of these pictures were loaded to his computer... Which of course lives at his place.  It has been over a month now since the end and I had yet to get the photographs.  The longer I waited, the more anxious I became.

Was the computer broken?  Were the photographs lost?  Was he just not getting them to me to be difficult?  None of these sounded like an agreeable option.

So, I waited.  Waited for a message or a package or a sign of some sort that the photographs were somehow going to make their way to me.  And of course nothing happened. 

When I was with my girlfriends (who as I have already mentioned, are very wise), they advised me to take action.

"This is too important to you, what are you waiting for?"

"The longer you wait, the harder it will be."

"Take the lead and send him a message.  Suggest a meeting and get the photos!"

"Put on your big girl panties and just do it."

Wise.

So I did all of the above.  I sent the message (with my girlfriends by my side giving me courage).  I set the date and place.  I went.

Of course, first I prepared myself... I steeled myself against any potential confrontation.  I was ready to show him what he was missing.  I was ready for anything.

As it turned out, none of it was necessary.  It was relaxed.  Friendly.  Calm.  Kind.  He complimented me.  And then it was done. 

"We should keep in touch," he said.

And like I have said to so many other people exiting my life, "yes, of course we will."

Next. 

Full

How can it be that when my heart is so full, I have nothing to write?  On a day that is filled with laughter and love and abundance in every way, words escape me.

My Christmas today was filled from beginning to end with my family.... Filled with their conversation and energy and the sounds of their banter that has become the music of my life which makes me the happiest. 

I think that when you feel so filled up with love and give it out, the need for words disappears.

So I will smile.  And be quiet in my joy.

Third time's the charm

As things tend to go during Holiday Season Madness, Grilled Cheese Sunday this week was the victim of packed schedules and last minute changes, but happen it did!  And as most variations from the best laid plans go, it was a resounding success!!  Sometimes it's the things you don't plan for that are the best surprises!

My dear friend came by (that was planned but only after a reschedule per the Holiday Season Madness to which I previously referred) and the ingredients were her inspiration... And inspiration they were!

We made the trek to my local artisan bakery and found a loaf that sounded like it would pair well with the combination she had brought... What was that, you ask?  Get this...

Mango & ginger Stilton and spicy cranberry jelly.  The bread of choice?  Fig walnut loaf. 

A cacophony of flavours?  Too much (then again, when have I ever said "too much" to anything?)?  Certainly not normally planned!  But a delight in every way!! It was yummy and creamy and spicy and something I will be treating guests to many times over in the future!

And the lesson learned from this Grilled Cheese Sunday?  It may sound weird at first pass, and it may be unexpected but those are often the best treats.

Turning the corner

There is a calm in being alone.  I know, it may seem illogical that I would be saying that but there is.  The trick is in finding it, that place of calmness.

Like so much in life, I think the key to happiness is where you place your attention.  Choosing where you focus is not as easy as it sounds as it turns out.  It can be so easy to be distracted then consumed then obsessed by the negative, but what does that get you?  

I've known lots of people who are "glass half empty" folks, we all have.  They are the ones who are "just ok" on perfect spring days.  They are the ones who walk past, in a state of total self-consumed oblivion, the amazing musician that blesses a subway with their gift.  They are the ones who brood, day after day, week after week, year after year, about those that "done them wrong."

So as I continue to spend time alone, I am focusing on the gift of solitude. Instead of focusing one more minute on anyone from my past who chose me second, who placed me low on this list of priorities we all have, I am focusing on those who love me.  On those who choose me and value me as much as I choose and value them.  I choose to be thankful and aware of the good in my life and take this time to appreciate it.  And the gift that comes with that is the warmth that surrounds me.

It feels like a corner has been turned.

Weirdness

Weird thing, being alone.  It's a blessing and a curse.  It's a split personality.  It's yin & yang.  Or something like that.

I spent the first 41 years of my life, almost entirely without exception, living with others.  As few as one, as many as four (and that's if you don't count my four legged house-mates).  Building bonds, feeling love, making mistakes.  The lion's share of my life shared minute by minute with those I love or have loved around me.

Now that I am in my seventh year living alone, although I have been sharing a large part of my life until recently with someone else, I am now at night in the quiet of my home alone again.  My children are grown and happy and independent and successful, each in their own perfect way.  A great gift, this I know.  But I am here surrounded now instead by my choices and mandates that have given me the great joys and consuming lows which made my life.

Weird thing is, right now I can't imagine a day when I would share this physical space with someone else.  Maybe it's that I'm too self-indulgent in my routines.  Maybe it's that I'm a decorating dictator.  Maybe it's that I'm just not ready.  Plain and simple.

Whatever the equation is that created that solution, I find it weird.  To be sometimes lonely yet simultaneously reluctant to accepting the resolution.   Weird.

But that's life I guess. 

Second Round

This is a test. This is only a test. 

Spurred on by my youngest son who I can best describe as an interesting balance between artist and antagonist, I am making Grilled Cheese with Bacon.  Seems normal.  But this Grilled Cheese sandwich has bacon instead of bread. 

My instincts say, "That's just not right." 

My arteries say, "What are you trying to do to us???" 

But my sense of adventure and refusal to not take a culinary double dog dare, make me do it despite all consideration of logic and health.

It went as expected... Messy.  Intensely indulgant.  Overwhelmingly rich.  But really really good!  I could only have a few bites of mine and my dear friend who joined (as she did at the inaugural Grilled Cheese Sunday) couldn't eat much more of hers... But it was good!

I don't think this recipe will be a frequent option on Grilled Cheese Sunday but I could be convinced to make it again if my son were to visit... And I could be convinced to have a bite.

All things in moderation.  Both the good and the bad.

The options

Options are a funny thing...  They're always there, whether we acknowledge them or not.  It's probably just our own state of readiness that determines how tightly our blinders are affixed to our visions of our world.

As time marches on and friends become more aware of my new (new to them, at least) single status, the suggestions are starting to come with increasing regularity.

"I have a friend, just let me know when you're ready."

"When you're ready, you should set up an on-line profile." 

Always, with the notation "when you're ready."  How the heck should I know when that is?  Is there a "ready" alarm clock?  Not that I've found, that's for sure!  All I know is that I want love.  Don't we all?   Then again, maybe not (recent experience should teach me that).  I guess that's ok if that's what you don't want.

But if we do want it, don't we all deserve someone who would move heaven and earth to be with us?  Even for short time?  Don't we all deserve that at least once in our lives?

I think so. 

So for now, I'm choosing the option of carrying on and enjoying all that is available to me now (which is so much) and when the option opens up to someone else... There I will be. 

And before you know it...

Funny thing, moving on. 

You don't think you're doing it, that it will never come (because as we all know hours seems like weeks and nights seem like eternity) but move on you do.

And before you know it your days are filled, the smile returns,

I was with my sister this weekend and we were talking about where we find ourselves in life, having taken very different paths. Regardless of your path or journey, life has the habit (fortunate or unfortunate depending on your outlook I suppose) of moving along with or without your acknowledgement, presence, participation or agreement.

So, moving on I am.  Along the journey life has for me, choosing my path where I can, rightly or wrongly.  Move on... With life.

Inauguration

Today was the first "Sally's Grilled Cheese Sunday" but hopefully not the last.  I chose grilled cheese sandwiches as my heartbreak recovery indulgence of choice and today they did not let me down.  Of course, it wasn't the grilled cheese that made the day special...

It was planning something new and fun and reminding myself that there is much love and fun to be had, often in the most mundate, every-day activities.  It was sharing the experience with one of my girlfriends (who is by every definition except biology, a sister to me).  It was silliness of the preparation and sharing that with friends.

It was great in every way.  And on top of all that goodness, the sandwiches were yummy.

If you're interested, we made two kinds; two-cheese (with Muenster and cream cheese with diced red peppers) and grilled cheese with salami (with mozzarella and old cheddar and some tomato sauce).  Extra cheesy goodness... Our agreed-upon favourite was the two-cheese grilled cheese so that one will appear at the next Grilled Cheese Sunday for the next cheese-off.

Stay tuned.  There is more goodness to come; that is clear.

We to me

As life continues in my newly-dictated singledom, there are bits and pieces of me that require adjustment.

The biggest one I find is the "we" to "me."  Ordinary things, simple questions, habits turn away from Us and are left with just Me.  Not that Me can't handle it, she can handle it just fine.  It's just it's an adjustment of thinking, processing, remembering, talking.

I think even my closest friends will weary of "D and I used to do this" or "D and I used to go there" and I know even if they don't weary of it, my heart does.  I look around my home and everywhere reminds me in some way of him.  And when I think of the years we were together, he is imprinted on each of those memories in some way. 

So I am actively working at making memories that don't have his heart print on them; writing a new story that doesn't include "D".  The story may be essentially the same, but it will be mine alone. 

Friday night plans

A long drive after a long week; my normal one hour commute from downtown to home today was four hours...  Four HOURS!!   One of the annual Canadian traditions is the havoc that comes from the first accumulating snow fall.  It's like the driving IT gods wipe our hard drive memory every year so when that inevitable, predictable snow fall comes we are reduced to one of two options.  Crawl or stop.

Happily I finally arrived home.  It's late (by my standards) and my home is quiet.  I turn on the music, pour myself a glass of wine and decide to make some plans. 

Life awaits.

With love

Life has ways of surprising you.

When you write like this you are writing alone.  There is the possibility of having someone with you in a virtual reality but there is no promise of that.  There is the possibility of support or criticism.  Interest or apathy.  But you never know.  I think all you can do is write what you feel, put it to the virtual universe and see what comes back to you.

Today, I received support.  Love.  Kindness. 

Several years ago I got my first (and to this point, my only) tattoo.  It's on my lower back (which I am sad to hear is now referred to as a 'tramp stamp'... I can't tell you how disappointing that is) and it's the Chinese symbol for strength.  I got that symbol in that place for this reason; we all have strength.  It's not always where you can see it but it's there.  It's got your back.  And it's there when you need it.

My beautiful gift today was that along with the strength I have come to rely upon from myself, I am also blessed to have the support of friends who I also cannot see but are as real and true as the ink on my back.  You are my strength too.

I thank each and every one of you.  And I will most certainly talk to you soon.  And often.

We have a lot in common as it turns out.

With love.

If you try sometimes...

What am I doing?  Writing a blog.  What do I want to be doing?  Kissing.  Dancing.  Laughing.  Cuddling. Singing. Sharing.  Wishing.  Planning. 

You can't always get what you want. 

Today I laughed.  And danced (just a little and alone but it was to a really good song so that's ok in my book).  And sang... In my car.  Again to a really good song so still, ok.  I can still wish.  And I am planning.  And hoping. 

And I'm sharing with you. 

You get what you need. 

I don't like Mondays

Doesn't it just tick you off when you are skipping along happily and WHAM!! You are sucker punched by the heartbreak you thought you were climbing out of.

Today was one of those days.  I keep thinking this is part of the process... Grief and all.... Seven stages... 

It's just a moment, this time will pass. 

Grilled cheese

It feels like I've become less of myself than I used to be.  I think it's important in a relationship to jump in with both feet if this is what you want in the long run, if you're willing to go the distance with that person, if you can see yourself with him or her when you're both old and wrinkled and less charming than you are now.  But if jumping in with both feet means losing what makes you you, it's not a good thing.  Life's lessons keep coming.

So I am surrounding myself with what I feel makes me, me.  I am soaking up the love of my sons and girlfriends; I am rediscovering the hobbies I've loved but let go of over time using the excuse I've been too busy to enjoy them.

And I'm going to cook.  I know I've said that I wasn't going to do this because cooking leads to eating and eating leads to getting... well... you know.  But I have a grand plan.

Grilled cheese and friends.

I have few happy memories of when I was growing up but most of them involve food.   Sunday roast beef dinners.   My mother's recipe for macaroni & cheese and the simple grilled cheese sandwich.  Although her macaroni and cheese recipe was not unusual in any way, it was amazingly good and I swear by it to this day.  I am so dedicated to the simple purity of it that the idea of modifying it in any way just doesn't feel right to me so I am left with grilled cheese sandwiches.

My mother's grilled cheese was the most simple kind... Kraft singles, bread, butter.  Ketchup on the side.  That's it.

But the options now for grilled cheese are endless.  I searched on a Canadian cheese producers' website "grilled cheese" and no fewer than 980 recipes came up.  Nine hundred and eighty!!

That's a lot of options and on just one site.  So I am going to start having Grilled Cheese Sundays.  I'll start next week (because it's already almost dinner time here and although I think it's perfectly acceptable to have grilled cheese for dinner, I'm not prepared) with a couple of recipes for comparison. 

I don't think this is going to become more than a weekly or every-other-weekly habit that fills the tummy while it warms the heart but if that's all it is... That's enough.

Plan B

Things I've considered doing to take my mind off him (in no particular order) and what my thoughts are of each one when given more than a couple of seconds of consideration.

1.   Get a dog.  Of course, considering I work 12 hours a day (including commute time) this would qualify as animal cruelty so immediately, this one won't work.

2.   Get another job.  Again, already working 12 hours a day, what's left?  Saturday and Sunday?  When am I going to drink?

3.   Drink more.  Based on #2, this one is looking like a good bet.

4.   See other guys.  At this point, this one just seems dirty.

5.   Redecorate.  But I like my place... And I just finished redoing the whole joint.

6.   Redecorate my friends' places.  This just seems intrusive.

7.   Experiment in the kitchen.  Although this sounds great at first pass, this is where I see that going...  Cook more.  Eat more.  Get fat.  Feel bad about myself and become a recluse.  Never find another man to love.  Cook more.  Eat more.  Get fatter.  Feel worse about myself and become more of a recluse.  Never find another man to love.... You see where I'm going.

8.   Volunteer.  I actually like this one.

9.   Hang out with my friends more.  I like this one too although I am beginning to think of myself as a single-girl-friend; a girlfriend that spends lots of time with her girlfriends but only when she's not with a guy.  Note to self.....  Don't do that again!

10.   Play guitar more.  This makes me think of him and this makes me sad.

So, it looks like I'm going to be volunteering and hanging with my girlfriends more... And drinking.  The first two have no downsides at all and actually put a smile on my face thinking of them so what could be wrong with that?  The other one does too but I shouldn't say that out loud.

Thanks for listening.

Easier?

Easier... Are you coming any time soon?

So today was one week post Last Supper.  After a week of supportive text from my girlfriends, checking my email, voicemail and texts a thousand times in case he wrote (which he didn't... quit checking already) and shedding another bucket of tears, it was time to execute some closure.

Pack his stuff.  He left clothes and "sundries" at my place so tonight I packed it all up.  From the closet.  From the dresser.  From the bathroom cabinet.  It's all cleared out. 

I don't know what is harder to look at; his stuff sitting there untouched or the space it leaves when you take it away.

My mind says, jump into something new...  An activity, a hobby, another. 

Nothing seems interesting.  Tomorrow will be easier than today.

And so it goes.

The Last Supper

So tonight we got together for dinner. 

It's his birthday and I wanted to give him the gift I had bought for him months ago when I felt certain of our future and of us.

I was certain it would be hard and it was.  I was certain I would cry and I did.  Before.  During.  After.

There is nothing ugly in this end.  Only sad.  Deep sorrow. 

I wept. 

Deja vu all over again

So here I am again... As I've said before and I'm sure I'll say again; "Alone again, naturally."  I am an almost-50 year old woman in the throws of a break up.  A four year relationship at it's end.

One of my bestest girlfriends once said to me, "you only write when you're in pain."  I laughed at the time but as days, weeks and months went by I realized she was absolutely right (my girlfriends are wise, as all girlfriends are).

I am on day four of being single.  I was preoccupied on days one through three because I was travelling for work but as the solitude of a Single-Girl Saturday night and the reality of what has happened sinks in, even the most luxurious bubble bath (done), best bottle of wine (well, maybe not the best as I am not independently wealthy but pretty darn good) or most mournful tunes mix (perhaps not the best idea) can alter my new state of reality.

We broke up on Tuesday night in the most calm, controlled way.  I told him I was unhappy feeling like I was low on his priority list and he told me he's always been clear of what was important to him.  We were both right.  And so we both apologized and that was that. 

Done.

The knot in my stomach remains.  The pain is there.  So are the tears but I only let them creep in once in a while.  I'm a big girl now, you know. 

As I came home from my brief travels, I foolishly hoped for the Ephron-esque declaration of love.  The grand gesture saying he had been thinking of me as much as I was of him.  The truth is a cold shower. 

No one knows.  Not my girlfriends. Not my children (adults now).  Not his children (also adults).  No one.  I can't say it yet.  That will come. 

So in this moment, on this Saturday, I am cocooning.  I am mustering up the courage to face a whole week alone. 

It's just a moment.  This time will pass.